| 01-10-2006 - Traces, n.9
La Thuile A Son Coming Home by Etsuro Sotoo I live in Barcelona like a foreigner. Ever since I was young, I have traveled, not just for the sake of traveling, but in search of something, to encounter something outside or within me. Now, I haven’t been on the road “physically” for a long time.The first thing that I encountered was stone, the most difficult and mysterious material, one with great strength. For me, this stone was the reason for traveling. In fact, thanks to stone, I traveled as far as Europe, where I encountered the Sagrada Familia [Holy Family Church in Barcelona, Spain, designed by Antonio Gaudì in 1882 and still under construction]. Within this journey, I undertook another one that brought me much farther. All along this walk I was alone. Nobody accompanied me; there was only stone. Deep down, however, I was convinced that I wasn’t totally alone, that there was something that had already been prepared for me. For example, around me there is darkness, but I proceed on my journey and I come to a place where I begin to catch a glimpse of light. I enter a dark room where I can’t see anything but, if I stop a moment, I realize that I can begin to see something, because there is light! This is where my journey begins. Suddenly, I encounter something; it’s as if I see a door and try to push it, to open it, and opening it find another dark room, and waiting there a moment find another door, and again another dark room. It was as if there was no door for me that could lead me toward the light. But this door existed! Now, I ask myself, “Why am I looking for this door? Why through doors that I don’t know?” This is the journey provoked by the questions that are born inside me. Nobody obliges me to travel; nobody obliges me to ask myself questions; nobody obliges me to open other doors and to go toward new rooms. I was fascinated by Gaudì and wanted to open his door, but I couldn’t, until suddenly I realized that from a direction that I didn’t know of, a light was reaching me–this was the door of faith, though I didn’t know it. But opening this door, I found a desert, and I no longer had Gaudì, who hadn’t opened his door to me, but who opened my eyes so I could see where he was looking. This is what I’m looking at now. Gaudì wanted me to open my door. For me it was like walking in a desert, and, for that matter, alone, without Gaudì who was behind me by now. I was totally alone, and what could I do? Unexpectedly, I encountered you all, and my road is no longer a desert; it is full of light and very wide. From this moment, I am no longer alone, and I realize that it would be even harder to continue remaining alone. I realize that we are advancing together toward the same point. Why do I see so much light? Because you all are here! I have always asked myself where this need of mine to “open doors” came from, and I answered myself that this happens if someone in his life is not well, because he feels the need to search, to push himself toward what he still doesn’t know; this is why I spent half my life in this search. Until now, I have always walked alone and there wasn’t anyone to whom I could address my questions. Then I encountered you, who are walking in the same direction I am and, for me, this is more than a gift–it’s paradise. It’s as if you were waiting for my questions. It’s as if you knew them even before I could formulate them, and for me, this is much more than receiving some answers, and it gives me great tranquillity, but at the same time it is a great surprise. You come to my house, I ask you questions, and you make such a happy face, as if to say that this was precisely what you were expecting. It’s like a son who comes home and can ask all the questions he wants; he can do everything he wants, everything is permissible for him. Imagine a man in prison who has to fight every minute, every second to survive, without however forgetting who he is and his destiny. Suddenly, the bars disappear and he can meet his friends once again and embrace them. He can hardly believe it. I am a fighter, maybe too much so, but meeting you has helped me greatly and has confirmed for me that in everything that I have done, I haven’t wasted time, and that everything that happened was necessary and, even, it seems that everything was prepared for me. Now I know that all my traveling and my sadness were worth it. I was patient, but there were times when I was tormented–what most distressed me was the possibility that I would become a doubter. This happened to me because I had nothing to walk toward, but I never forgot my question. Before meeting you, I was becoming a doubter; doubter means that when you meet others, you doubt the fact that they are good people and can help you. Instead, you think that they want to deceive you, and you no longer trust people. The doubter is weak, and I was turning into a weak man, also because if you fight alone it is easier to encounter hell than heaven. I had to overcome this phase, because it was causing me even to doubt everything I was doing. This frightened me, but fortunately I met you, who are living a certitude. This fortune is a grace that must be sought, however; if you hold still, you don’t get there by yourself. You have to move toward this grace. This is the confirmation that everything I experienced was positive. Even though I was on the verge of falling, now I am happy. If I had not met you, I would probably have collapsed, and I would have changed into an insect, like in Kafka’s Metamorphosis. I was on the point of losing my battle, but as long as you keep your questions alive, you’re a winner, and this means that tomorrow is another day, and you can go onward. It is the victory of Christ. If you refuse to be a man and renounce your questions, you lose the battle. And there is no tomorrow. |