family / 1
witnesses at home

A Beauty to Capture Anew
Nowadays, the family is spoken of  in all sorts of ways–“common law,” “enlarged,” “short-term.” What happens, instead, when you look at the family in terms of the foundation of the relationship, as Julián Carrón did recently? We asked four families to talk about this “ineradicable experience of a good,” and here are their testimonies.

by Paola Bergamini

“Mommy and Daddy, do we always have to wait around for you two lovebirds?” seven-year-old Maria asked her parents. After 17 years of married life, what does “in love” mean? “It’s the same loving relationship that contributes to discovering the truth of the ‘I’ and of the ‘you.’ What we are is revealed splendidly by the relationship with the beloved. Nothing wakens us more, nothing makes us so aware of the desire for happiness that constitutes us, as much as the beloved,” Fr. Julián Carrón said in his recent talk at the Milan Cultural Center, entitled, “The Experience of the Family: A Beauty to Capture Anew” (www.tracce.it, “Society” link). Today, when so much is said and written about marriage, living together, and couples, what does it mean to love the other with the desire that it be forever? More specifically, what does it mean to say that being a family is having “an ineradicable experience of a good”? We asked four families to speak about how this text challenged their lives.
Giovanna and Giuseppe live in Abbiategrasso, outside Milan, and shortly will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. The Lord has given them four natural children, one adopted child, and many foster children. “It wasn’t in our plans when we married,” says Giovanna. “We had decided together that I would stay home from work in order to continue the after-school experience we began with Andrea Aziani (cf. Traces Vol. 10, No. 8, 2008, “Andrea Aziani  –Witness to Faith: Fever for Life”). Then we followed what the Lord put in our path. That evening at the Cultural Center, I thought back over these years of married life, starting with the words Fr. Giussani told us during the homily: “You can be sure about the story you are about to begin because Christ, whom you have encountered, is faithful. In this step you are taking, He asks you, ‘Help Me to be in the world.’”

Journeying together.  Carrón  defined spouses as “two human subjects, an ‘I’ and a ‘you,’ a man and a woman, who decide to journey together toward a destiny, toward happiness.” Giovanna continues, “Every day you have to deal with the fact that the other is different. The most concrete example of this is with your children. On the same issue–to take or not to take the scooter–you think differently. There is a difference in judgment. What can you do? You can try to bring him to your side or, instead,  you can stop a moment before and look at him as an Other wanted him to be. His difference becomes a treasure. This has made me become creative, in the sense that as I look at the other, I change, I move, putting my freedom into play. This happens every day.” A life in continual movement. Giuseppe interjects, “Certainly! And, above all, interesting. After forty years, I’m more interested in her because she reveals me; she puts me into motion again in terms of the founding point of our relationship: following Christ. We’re still on the road, being companions for each other in the most important thing that has happened to us.”
In Milan, Luigi is an orthopedic surgeon, and his wife Chiara is a professor of Canon Law. The early years of their marriage were marked by the pain of many miscarriages, but then seven children were born to them, the fourth of whom is the seven-year-old Maria mentioned above. Luigi begins, “The first reaction listening to Carrón was gratefulness for the education we’ve received, which consists in the acknowledgment of life as a vocation, life as an answer to One who is calling you, who loves you. Right away, the powerful fascination with each other coincided–without ever depleting but, in fact, continually growing–with the passion for the Destiny of each other.” Carrón underlined that “the first help you can offer those who want to unite in matrimony is in gaining awareness of the mystery that they are human beings. Only in this way can they adequately focus on their relationship, without expecting something from it that, by its nature, nobody can give the other.” “When we got married,” continues Chiara, “I didn’t have an image of how I wanted things to go. But one thing I was sure of: together we would walk better in the enjoyment of that Beauty encountered. The pain of the first years intensified our bond, and motivated a greater and more radical attachment to Him who, having begun a good work, would bring it to fulfillment.” He generates a union that isn’t founded, as the modern mentality would have it, on getting along, extinguishing differences of opinion and diversity.  “Certainly,” continues Chiara, “I think of what Fr. Giussani once told us: ‘Testify to your unity before God and men and accompany new creatures in this.’ I desire this unity all the way to the wellspring of my thoughts. This doesn’t mean studying a strategy of agreements, but that before the ‘point’ of diversity, within the ever-possible divergence, there’s esteem, profound fondness for what Luigi is, for what we are, that is irreducible, because they are founded on the ultimate reason of our life: One present within a human friendship.”
Across the Atlantic, in New York, Jonathan and Susan, with three children, recently had to face a difficult moment with Jonathan’s work. Their family life has changed. Within the circumstances, without schemes or prepackaged doctrines, there is the possibility of acknowledging that the other is a sign of a greater Love, otherwise, “man falls into the error of stopping at the reality that aroused the desire. Not acknowledging the other’s nature as a sign inevitably leads to reducing him to what appears to our eyes.” “There was a moment when I thought that what we had in the beginning couldn’t happen again,” recounts Jonathan. “I hid in my responsibilities for work and the Movement. When work problems came up, I thought, ‘Now, what do I do?’ My friends helped me to face these difficult circumstances, making me take into consideration the hypothesis of changing jobs. They helped me concretely in transitioning from being a composer of commercial music to being a church organ player. My friends gave me the strength to face my job change and helped me understand that I had to learn a new trade and build a new way of looking at my job (at the age of 52!). It was an amazing grace. They also accompanied me in saying anew our ‘yes’ to Christ within the vocation of marriage. I found myself begging for the ability to look at Susan and my three children in a new way. Everything has changed. For many years I asked Christ to change her, according to an image of mine. Now I understand that Susan has been given to me, and it brought an experience of tenderness, of unexpected hope. For us this is a period of grace. I discover greater freedom and the possibility of seeing His face in the little things. Christ has saved my family.” Susan adds, “I understand that the relationship with Christ is first of all mine, that I’m responsible for it. Here my freedom is engaged: loving Him in the daily difficulties, in the things to do. The problem isn’t that Christ isn’t there, but that I don’t see Him, and I put my own expectations before Him.”
She continues, “I was struck when Carrón said, ‘Without loving Christ (that is, Beauty made flesh) more than the beloved, the latter relationship withers, because He is the truth of this relationship.’ For a long time, Jonathan and I discussed our firstborn’s school, and we could never come to an agreement. We asked our son what he wanted and in the end we let a friend help us, so that we wouldn’t end up entrenched in our own positions. This was a change of outlook for us.”

Nothing taken for granted. Carrón’s words echoed in Africa as well.  In Nairobi, Joakim is the principle of the Cardinal Otunga High School and his wife Romana is the Vice-Director of AVSI. Joakim says, “Reading Carrón’s talk brought out even more radically in me the question of what it means to truly love. There’s always the temptation to know, to take for granted what marriage is, who the other is. Paradoxically, in loving my wife I’ve discovered  myself more. You see this in everyday life.” For example? “When I go to school and I have her and our four children in my heart, my attitude to my students is different. The tenderness I feel for my family enables me to be tender and attentive to those in front of me. Action has its origin only in an affection. It is for love that you move.”
A love that is not possession. At a certain point, Carrón spoke of virginity as “the authentic hope for married people; it is the root of the possibility of living marriage without false claims and without deceit.” In Kenya, the problem of priests who live with a woman has caused great controversy and debate, because Milingo, the excommunicated bishop, founded here his “Priests Married Now” movement. Joakim continues, “Recently, we went to meet the Cardinal of Nairobi, who said, ‘Celibacy doesn’t just mean not marrying, but it is in relation to the love for Christ. It is the desire to give everything to Him.” I had just read Carrón’s talk and I thought that marriage is no less than this. Only out of my love for Christ can I love Romana forever. When I met her, I was struck by her passion in every situation, a passion that had its origin in the encounter with Christ in the Movement. I followed her because I wanted the same for my life.” Romana adds, “And we want nothing less for our children! The school began precisely out of this desire that we share with other friends of the Fraternity.”
Back in Italy, Giovanna comments that the intensity of the experience of Christ is a treasure that, though “held in vessels of clay,” opens into testimony because “it can demonstrate the rationality of the Christian faith, a reality that corresponds totally with man’s desire and needs, in marriage and in family as well.”Luigi continues, “When the Pope gave his speech in Regensberg, Chiara and I proposed a public meeting in our childrens’ school with Fr. Stefano Alberto on faith and reason. A lot of parents came. But we couldn’t let an occasion like that fizzle out. We began doing School of Community once a month, and teachers and parents participate with all sorts of questions about life.”

A point of good. “Being Christian means sharing needs, as Christ did,” concludes Giuseppe. “The family is a point of reference of good encountered and engaged in reality. My wife is right: it’s a place that’s good for you, that is, you find a good for yourself. After forty years, for me, the adventure is just beginning!”